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20 January 2018 @ 05:58 pm
I'm pretty sure my Grandmother is going to pass soon and it really fucking hurts.
19 January 2018 @ 07:35 pm
Why wasn't I born beautiful? Why don't I have a fit body?

Why? Who would ever love me? Find me sexy? I am disgusting.

yes I am having a bad day
14 January 2018 @ 05:00 pm
The longest entry on this journal. Good luck. If there is any weird words are strange sentences it's because I'm doing voice to text. I'm too lazy to look over it.

I'm looking into CoolSculpting instead of liposuction. Because it would be cheaper. I've seen the before and after pictures and it looks good but not as good as a liposuction pictures.. Course I couldn't get anything done until after I pay off my credit card. I don't want much I just want to flatten my stomach more and get a lift. A lot of people say I shouldn't do it. The thing is I'm not doing it for anyone else. I'm doing it for me. So when I look into the mirror I like what I see. I don't always hate myself. Sometimes I feel really beautiful. But I want to look beautiful and have a healthy body.
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Current Location: Nature
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
09 January 2018 @ 01:38 pm

Yesss. Going broke trying to get people to pay attention to my books! It is soooo hard. Gonna give away free mugs when people buy my books. I just hope someday it will all be worth it. I love writing and someday hope to make a living on it.

Current Location: Darkness of my mind
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
29 December 2017 @ 06:28 pm
I am still here. I need to write more here and in my real journal. I just never feel like I have time. But, honestly I just waste to much time on my phone looking at nonsense. Anyways there is a chill in the house. But, good news! My third book will be coming out soon!! A Way Home. I am so happy about it. Though I am spending so much money on it... I already have spent almost $800 bucks. If I hear one person bitch about how much I sell it for I will scream. Self-publishers do NOT MAKE MONEY. I doubt I will for a long time if ever. I do hope someday I will make money. I'd like to get a publisher someday soon... Sigh... people buy my book please?? Please. Save me from retail. Anyways here is the banner for my new novel that is coming soon! Horror, action. sci-fir, and just plan badass stuff.

Behind cut because it is huge!Collapse )

Current Location: The Halls
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
04 November 2017 @ 07:19 pm
:; not unfixable.

Feeling really annoyed right now. My anxiety is very bad. I feel like I am going to explode. There is so much weighing on me right now. I know I will figure it out. But, it is very difficult. Trying to pay off a credit card and find money to go to the doctor and the therapist. How to afford to publish my books. How do I get the money to move? I feel as if I am running in cycles. I want to run away. I am tired of feeling this way.

I will find a way out. I will. Just feel so trapt right now.
Current Location: Caged
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Evanescence- Taking over me
26 October 2017 @ 08:50 pm
:; The rest of the world will not.

You know what's annoying? I know I'm not gorgeous or anything like that. Some days I feel beautiful. But most days I know what I am. I'm nothing special. I'm plain Jane and I'm not very attractive. I'm not stupid. I'm so tired of people trying to tell me otherwise when I point it out. I've accepted it. My face is wonky, bulky, my nose is too big, and frankly I'm just not much of anything.

I didn't get good genetics. Like my brother and sister( I swear they stole the good genes before I was born). I'm not crazy ugly. But I'm barely pretty. If my jaw was smaller and thinner and my nose smaller. My skin less of moles and freckles. Then maybe I would be more.
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Current Location: In the shadows.
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
16 October 2017 @ 10:12 pm
:; does it seem to bring the worse in you out?

You know what's sad? Having a crush on someone you know you'd never have a chance with. Not only because... well hardly anyone finds you attractive. I am always the "friend" nothing more. But, you know you're from completely two different worlds. And you really have nothing in common. Heh.

Dreamers dream
Current Location: Lies
Current Mood: deviousdevious
Current Music: Crossfade: colors
15 October 2017 @ 06:25 pm
:; nah she is

So it's only getting worse. The more I keep quiet... it seems the more they're there. It's really ridiculous. No one should have to be put through this stress. I'm trying to lose weight and you know it makes it hard? unnecessary stress! And I know you're supposed to just not let it get to you and just let it go. But you know what that's fucking harder to do then say okay. I'm trying so hard to just keep it together and wait. I know eventually it'll work out. But when! Fucking when?!

On a good note. The local Museum here wants to do local Authors showcase. And asked me to be a part of it. So I loaned them some of my books and cards. I'm really excited about it and happy. To be included in this. I need to get my ass indide and writing. B
I know it's small and it's not that huge of a deal. But it's a step towards the right direction. Step towards New York Times bestseller. Hopefully sooner than later.

Just be a little easier please.

I am a lioness. I will not cringe for them.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Kanye West: Gold digger
02 October 2017 @ 10:15 pm
:; when you are gone...

It's sad. Knowing that if I stop talking the most the people I know wouldn't talk to me. Including family. Shouldn't have to beg family to talk to me. It hurts honestly. I can count on one hand people who actually start conversations with me. Yes it really hurts. I want to become a successful author and I feel like when I finally do I have all these family and friends we just be constantly trying to talk to me. And I'll be considered the stuck up bitch when I don't reply.

Where were you when I want to talk? I try to start conversations... people just send one-word replies or don't even really participate in the conversation. And it makes me feel so unwanted or irritating to them. I just want to talk to my family and my supposed friends. it seems so difficult. I get people have jobs and they're busy. But if you can post on social media I talk to other people. Why is it so hard to talk to me? Am I really that horrible? I just want to talk... see what you're up to. Because I actually miss you....

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Current Mood: draineddrained