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04 November 2017 @ 07:19 pm
:; not unfixable.

Feeling really annoyed right now. My anxiety is very bad. I feel like I am going to explode. There is so much weighing on me right now. I know I will figure it out. But, it is very difficult. Trying to pay off a credit card and find money to go to the doctor and the therapist. How to afford to publish my books. How do I get the money to move? I feel as if I am running in cycles. I want to run away. I am tired of feeling this way.

I will find a way out. I will. Just feel so trapt right now.
Current Location: Caged
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Evanescence- Taking over me
26 October 2017 @ 08:50 pm
:; The rest of the world will not.

You know what's annoying? I know I'm not gorgeous or anything like that. Some days I feel beautiful. But most days I know what I am. I'm nothing special. I'm plain Jane and I'm not very attractive. I'm not stupid. I'm so tired of people trying to tell me otherwise when I point it out. I've accepted it. My face is wonky, bulky, my nose is too big, and frankly I'm just not much of anything.

I didn't get good genetics. Like my brother and sister( I swear they stole the good genes before I was born). I'm not crazy ugly. But I'm barely pretty. If my jaw was smaller and thinner and my nose smaller. My skin less of moles and freckles. Then maybe I would be more.
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Current Location: In the shadows.
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
16 October 2017 @ 10:12 pm
:; does it seem to bring the worse in you out?

You know what's sad? Having a crush on someone you know you'd never have a chance with. Not only because... well hardly anyone finds you attractive. I am always the "friend" nothing more. But, you know you're from completely two different worlds. And you really have nothing in common. Heh.

Dreamers dream
Current Location: Lies
Current Mood: deviousdevious
Current Music: Crossfade: colors
15 October 2017 @ 06:25 pm
:; nah she is

So it's only getting worse. The more I keep quiet... it seems the more they're there. It's really ridiculous. No one should have to be put through this stress. I'm trying to lose weight and you know it makes it hard? unnecessary stress! And I know you're supposed to just not let it get to you and just let it go. But you know what that's fucking harder to do then say okay. I'm trying so hard to just keep it together and wait. I know eventually it'll work out. But when! Fucking when?!

On a good note. The local Museum here wants to do local Authors showcase. And asked me to be a part of it. So I loaned them some of my books and cards. I'm really excited about it and happy. To be included in this. I need to get my ass indide and writing. B
I know it's small and it's not that huge of a deal. But it's a step towards the right direction. Step towards New York Times bestseller. Hopefully sooner than later.

Just be a little easier please.

I am a lioness. I will not cringe for them.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Kanye West: Gold digger
02 October 2017 @ 10:15 pm
:; when you are gone...

It's sad. Knowing that if I stop talking the most the people I know wouldn't talk to me. Including family. Shouldn't have to beg family to talk to me. It hurts honestly. I can count on one hand people who actually start conversations with me. Yes it really hurts. I want to become a successful author and I feel like when I finally do I have all these family and friends we just be constantly trying to talk to me. And I'll be considered the stuck up bitch when I don't reply.

Where were you when I want to talk? I try to start conversations... people just send one-word replies or don't even really participate in the conversation. And it makes me feel so unwanted or irritating to them. I just want to talk to my family and my supposed friends. it seems so difficult. I get people have jobs and they're busy. But if you can post on social media I talk to other people. Why is it so hard to talk to me? Am I really that horrible? I just want to talk... see what you're up to. Because I actually miss you....

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Current Mood: draineddrained
30 September 2017 @ 08:40 pm
:; and that's why I cry...

I was writing on one of my novels. I'm almost finished with it. Then I went to the bathroom to wash my face and put some stuff on it. Then I started pulling out white hairs I've always had at least three of them since I turned twenty. But as I kept looking I have so many now. They're not noticeable. But still I literally was teary-eyed. I'm not a confident person. I don't find myself very attractive either. I'm just playing Jane, not ugly, but definitely not anything special.

My hair has always been my favorite thing about me. And now it's turning white. And I know that happens. But I'm only 26. And it makes me so sad. And yes I'm happy I have hair and grateful it's healthy. Gosh does it break my heart seeing all these whites. It's not enough that dye. But eventually I'll have to start dying it.

Current Mood: sadsad
25 September 2017 @ 05:45 pm
:; but that someone isn't me

I have been struggling to love myself ever since I can remember. And it's ridiculous. My childhood was filled with abuse and things no child should go through. I never got the chance to know what childhood innocence was. And that's not fair. Because of some sick twisted people my childhood was stolen from me. And my brain was damaged. My mental image of myself fucked up. Who I could have been if I had not gone through that abuse. I guess I'll never know. What kind of woman would I have been? What I have loved myself?

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Long post is long.
Current Location: Darkness
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
19 September 2017 @ 09:17 am
:; and I can almost touch it...

How is it that my two days off go by so quickly? I feel so exhausted all the time. As if I'm never getting enough done. As if I should be doing more. But even though I can't convince myself I think I am doing a lot. I should be advertising and marketing my novels more. I planning to go to City to go talk to my bank soon about financing my car to see if I can get lower payments. I can didn't go to bookstores to pass around my cards.

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Current Location: Esso
Current Mood: awakeawake
10 September 2017 @ 08:24 pm
:; why am I so broken.

I just want to run away. Never look back. Take my dogs and never return. Why am I so trap? Oh yes I could leave but then I'd be risking going into debt. Then what Future Would I have like that? I shouldn't have got that new car. Feel like an idiot. I just feel constantly stuck and honestly it's just making me want to explode.

I'm tired of that behavior. I'm tired of the toxicity of it. It's not healthy to be around this. I'm trying so hard to escape. Yet, it seems the more I reach the more I fall. Or is it just the fear swallowing me up?

I just want the career that I've been dreaming for. Why is it so hard to get to? Just want a house that I can live with my dogs in. I just want peace of mind. Just want calm and maturity. I'm just so tired. So tired of feeling this way.
Current Location: Lost
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
03 September 2017 @ 09:38 pm
:; they'll never care what the truth is...

So, the house next door which is maybe about a quarter mile away behind some trees. Who's burning for like 2 or 3 hours and we never noticed. My mom had noticed a small fire but she just thought it was a trash fire because that's what they do out here in the country. But no. It's truly sad and we feel kind of bad for not noticing. However, no one's smelted or heard anything. We were also inside. Plus the house is kind of behind us, behind trees. Even when we were outside by the fence we couldn't smell anything. Soomeone had just purchased the lot and was clearing things out. Have no idea how it started but it's strange. It was an old worn-down place that. We wonder if someone started it on purpose. It's a mystery.

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Current Location: Better future
Current Mood: amusedamused