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18 February 2018 @ 06:10 pm
it grows

I wish I was beautiful. I wish I had more skills. I wish I wasnt failing at life. I wish I had a real career. I am grateful for all I have...

but it isn't enough...

I am drowning and have no idea how to save myself.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
04 February 2018 @ 07:49 pm
:; you can breathe today...

Today is No complaints Sunday. I made it. To be more positive and happy. Because I whine to much. To negative. I have done well all day. Even when co-workers tried to bring me negative things. But, I have done it. Being positive and happy and no complaining at all today. Right now me and my parents are coming home from dinner in town now. I am proud of myself... been a good day...

So... why do I feel so sad right now? An emptiness I can't figure out. No. I know.

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Current Location: The void
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
20 January 2018 @ 05:58 pm
I'm pretty sure my Grandmother is going to pass soon and it really fucking hurts.
19 January 2018 @ 07:35 pm
Why wasn't I born beautiful? Why don't I have a fit body?

Why? Who would ever love me? Find me sexy? I am disgusting.

yes I am having a bad day
14 January 2018 @ 05:00 pm
The longest entry on this journal. Good luck. If there is any weird words are strange sentences it's because I'm doing voice to text. I'm too lazy to look over it.

I'm looking into CoolSculpting instead of liposuction. Because it would be cheaper. I've seen the before and after pictures and it looks good but not as good as a liposuction pictures.. Course I couldn't get anything done until after I pay off my credit card. I don't want much I just want to flatten my stomach more and get a lift. A lot of people say I shouldn't do it. The thing is I'm not doing it for anyone else. I'm doing it for me. So when I look into the mirror I like what I see. I don't always hate myself. Sometimes I feel really beautiful. But I want to look beautiful and have a healthy body.
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Current Location: Nature
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
09 January 2018 @ 01:38 pm

Yesss. Going broke trying to get people to pay attention to my books! It is soooo hard. Gonna give away free mugs when people buy my books. I just hope someday it will all be worth it. I love writing and someday hope to make a living on it.

Current Location: Darkness of my mind
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
29 December 2017 @ 06:28 pm
I am still here. I need to write more here and in my real journal. I just never feel like I have time. But, honestly I just waste to much time on my phone looking at nonsense. Anyways there is a chill in the house. But, good news! My third book will be coming out soon!! A Way Home. I am so happy about it. Though I am spending so much money on it... I already have spent almost $800 bucks. If I hear one person bitch about how much I sell it for I will scream. Self-publishers do NOT MAKE MONEY. I doubt I will for a long time if ever. I do hope someday I will make money. I'd like to get a publisher someday soon... Sigh... people buy my book please?? Please. Save me from retail. Anyways here is the banner for my new novel that is coming soon! Horror, action. sci-fir, and just plan badass stuff.

Behind cut because it is huge!Collapse )

Current Location: The Halls
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
04 November 2017 @ 07:19 pm
:; not unfixable.

Feeling really annoyed right now. My anxiety is very bad. I feel like I am going to explode. There is so much weighing on me right now. I know I will figure it out. But, it is very difficult. Trying to pay off a credit card and find money to go to the doctor and the therapist. How to afford to publish my books. How do I get the money to move? I feel as if I am running in cycles. I want to run away. I am tired of feeling this way.

I will find a way out. I will. Just feel so trapt right now.
Current Location: Caged
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Evanescence- Taking over me
26 October 2017 @ 08:50 pm
:; The rest of the world will not.

You know what's annoying? I know I'm not gorgeous or anything like that. Some days I feel beautiful. But most days I know what I am. I'm nothing special. I'm plain Jane and I'm not very attractive. I'm not stupid. I'm so tired of people trying to tell me otherwise when I point it out. I've accepted it. My face is wonky, bulky, my nose is too big, and frankly I'm just not much of anything.

I didn't get good genetics. Like my brother and sister( I swear they stole the good genes before I was born). I'm not crazy ugly. But I'm barely pretty. If my jaw was smaller and thinner and my nose smaller. My skin less of moles and freckles. Then maybe I would be more.
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Current Location: In the shadows.
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
16 October 2017 @ 10:12 pm
:; does it seem to bring the worse in you out?

You know what's sad? Having a crush on someone you know you'd never have a chance with. Not only because... well hardly anyone finds you attractive. I am always the "friend" nothing more. But, you know you're from completely two different worlds. And you really have nothing in common. Heh.

Dreamers dream
Current Location: Lies
Current Mood: deviousdevious
Current Music: Crossfade: colors