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19 September 2017 @ 09:17 am
:; and I can almost touch it...

How is it that my two days off go by so quickly? I feel so exhausted all the time. As if I'm never getting enough done. As if I should be doing more. But even though I can't convince myself I think I am doing a lot. I should be advertising and marketing my novels more. I planning to go to City to go talk to my bank soon about financing my car to see if I can get lower payments. I can didn't go to bookstores to pass around my cards.

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Current Location: Esso
Current Mood: awakeawake
10 September 2017 @ 08:24 pm
:; why am I so broken.

I just want to run away. Never look back. Take my dogs and never return. Why am I so trap? Oh yes I could leave but then I'd be risking going into debt. Then what Future Would I have like that? I shouldn't have got that new car. Feel like an idiot. I just feel constantly stuck and honestly it's just making me want to explode.

I'm tired of that behavior. I'm tired of the toxicity of it. It's not healthy to be around this. I'm trying so hard to escape. Yet, it seems the more I reach the more I fall. Or is it just the fear swallowing me up?

I just want the career that I've been dreaming for. Why is it so hard to get to? Just want a house that I can live with my dogs in. I just want peace of mind. Just want calm and maturity. I'm just so tired. So tired of feeling this way.
Current Location: Lost
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
03 September 2017 @ 09:38 pm
:; they'll never care what the truth is...

So, the house next door which is maybe about a quarter mile away behind some trees. Who's burning for like 2 or 3 hours and we never noticed. My mom had noticed a small fire but she just thought it was a trash fire because that's what they do out here in the country. But no. It's truly sad and we feel kind of bad for not noticing. However, no one's smelted or heard anything. We were also inside. Plus the house is kind of behind us, behind trees. Even when we were outside by the fence we couldn't smell anything. Soomeone had just purchased the lot and was clearing things out. Have no idea how it started but it's strange. It was an old worn-down place that. We wonder if someone started it on purpose. It's a mystery.

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Current Location: Better future
Current Mood: amusedamused
19 August 2017 @ 04:43 pm
:; Until hope let me down...

I always tell people I'm happy. That even though I'm not where I want to be or have the things that I dream. I'm still grateful for all that I have. I'm not insanely happy, but I'm okay.

Yet the other day when a co-worker randomly asked me if I was happy... my reaction... was freezing and immediately tearing up wanting to cry. I didn't even know what to think. The reaction was completely unexpected. Or maybe I was just trying to convince myself it was unexpected. I answered shakingly that I was. But that's not the truth.

I am grateful for what I have. And there is a part of me that is happy. But the biggest part of me is lost, afraid, and sad.

As much as I try to Prevail and stay positive. And keep trying. Reaching for all that I desire. There's is darkness in me that's constantly telling myself to just give up. That I just will never be good enough. All that I do is just pointless and helpless. And I'll never get that dream that I so hope for.

There's a sadness in me that I think I'll live with forever. Sometimes I just wish to stay in bed. Sometimes I just wish I could wake up as someone else. I just hope all of this, even if it isn't terrible, I just hope all of this is worth it. And I'll finally get what I desire and want.

Current Location: The Darkness of my mind
Current Mood: draineddrained
15 August 2017 @ 04:06 pm
And have it all later...

So, I have a job interview for a second job at Dollar store. Yeah It isn't much of anything. But, I need money badly. I have a full-time job right now and I am still always broke. I need money to save for my books, open a business, and move out. How can I do that when I am always broke? I have not bought new clothes in year. It is sad. I also cannot afford to do the things I want because I am always broke. I help my parents out because my dad does not have the greatest paying job. It hurts my savings too. Maybe with this second job I will be able to save money and buy new clothing... I am worried for my mental health though.

I can only work Fri, sat, and sunday. 3- to closing. It will suck because I will work 6-2pm at my full-time job. I wake up at 4:30am for those days. But, I realized something how will I ever get to where I want to be if I never work hard? Work hard now, do what I must now, it will pay off. It has too. I made sure to keep my mon-tues. I will be off that every week. I have to make sure to workout every mon-weds and jog on Thursday with a mini workout. And make sure to write much as I can.

This is going to be very hard if I get this second job. But, I need it. I have barely $70 in my account right now. I also need to pay off my new car. I am 26 and even though there is nothing wrong with living with my parents I still want my own house.

Right now I am a bit lost... but I hope things become clearer.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
14 August 2017 @ 06:16 pm
:; Will it make you listen?

Goodness I am beyond tired and drained. Had to renew my license and get a new tire. Toyota wanted to charge damn arm and leg. But, I went somewhere else and got it for less. I had to use my credit card for all of this. I am screaming on the inside. I almost had my credit card paid off. I was so close. But, no life keeps fucking me over. I know I could be more broken and it could be worse. But, you know what? It could be better. I am making a lot of money yet I am still broke every time I am paid. It is ridiculous. I keep budgeting and hardly buy anything yet I am always broke. I am applying for part-time job. Though I do not want to. Don't even have time for part-time job. But, if anything bad happens I have no money to help. America is not suppose to be this way. And it is depressing.

I am happy for all I have but I know I deserve better. I wish I was making a living on my writing now. I wish I had my own house. I wish I had my own business now. I wish I had a husband. I am no where near close to this... so for now I need to work on me inside and out. And getting a second job... it is a sucky idea to me but will help with money.

Just trying...
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
12 August 2017 @ 07:34 pm
;: Because life is a battle...

I need to go to bed. My shoulder is hurting from burpees. Why am I not thin yet? Why is my dream career so far away? Why won't family and friends actually buy my novels and help support me? Why am I not a famous actress? Why is my face not prettier? Why is my body ugly? Why am I not a famous Author yet? Why don't I have my Doggie daycare yet? Why can't I pay my bills and not be broke? Why am I not married to Tom hardy? (lol Had to have you seen him? :O ) Why is my head full of chaos? Why do I complain so much? Why can't I just be happy with me?

Why do I keep going on?

Because I believe it will get better. I will get better. It is all I can do.

I am grateful for all I have though.
Current Location: The Shadows
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
:; The fire inside?

So, here I am in my bedroom sitting on my bed. With one of my dogs. Feeling extremely irritated and annoyed. I'm supposed to be working out but I decided to just watch Inception. But I am going to make sure to jog walk in the afternoon. Have to do something for my health each day. I need to lose weight. So I can work out Saturday and Sunday. I didn't feel good yesterday after work and today I don't feel very well either. I think it is just my allergies but I do feel sick sick...

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Current Location: Bed
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
07 August 2017 @ 01:49 pm
;: So let us climb.

So, tried to log into my dream account erm_dreams and what happened? I forgot my pass so I changed it. Then it locks me out of my account. Thanks a lot lj. So guess I'll try to get on it some other time.

Also I want some Game of Thrones icons! Why is it so hard to find good ones? It is sad a lot of groups here are not active. Trying to find communities that are actually active is really hard now days.

Anyways on my two days off. And I have not been productive at all. I have been surfing Livejournal for last two hours. Trying to find active places. But, time to get off and start being productive around the house. I need to clean my room and bathroom. But, later I need to get back online to market on novels more. I need to make time to go to town and pass my business cards and posters around. I'll go no where if I stay this way.

Also check out my novels here...

Damn. My laptops time was frozen so I just realized I was on lj for four hours... fuck I wasted so much time already
Current Location: The North
Current Mood: groggygroggy
:; I saw age...

As I was sitting in my car outside wal-mart eating subway I noticed a white hair on my head. I pulled it out... then another...and another...until I pulled ten out. I felt sad. But felt worse as I pulled my fingers through my hair and saw much more white hairs. I wanted to cry.

I am only 26... I should not have this many whites. My hair is my favorite thing about myself and it depresses me beyond belief at how many I have found. I want to cry. I know it is ridiculous and everyone goes gray at some point. But, damn... does it make my heart sad.

Also I am trying to get myself to get hell up and go market my book in the city. I waste to much time.
Current Location: The Seven Kingdoms.
Current Mood: tiredtired